


what doesn't kill you...

by TheBizarreKaar



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, Love Letters, M/M, suicide mission
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-06-25
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:55:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23878768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheBizarreKaar/pseuds/TheBizarreKaar
Summary: Naruto wants to have it all. Even at the risk of losing it all. He leaves the village to save his fallen teammate and leaves behind a determined Hokage who will stop at absolutely nothing to save the stubborn Naruto from his unrealistic goals.
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi & Uzumaki Naruto, Hatake Kakashi/Uzumaki Naruto, Uchiha Sasuke & Uzumaki Naruto
Comments: 26
Kudos: 79





	1. please don't kill the messenger...

Kakashi sat down at his desk as usual, ready to start the day, doing menial paperwork and assigning missions. However on the very top of the stack of papers was an obnoxiously orange envelope with his name scrawled across it.

It screamed important at him, being that it was on the top, begging to be opened first. So he neatly opened it and tried not to fall over as he shot from his seat, catching the attention of Shikamaru. "What is it?" Shikamaru said walking over to him. "Send for everyone immediately." He answered with a carefully controlled voice, yet he could swear he was tembling with rage.

"God damn it Naruto." He growled and returned the letter and its contents to his kunai holster. He returned his attention to the piles of paper on the desk and threw his fist down angrily.

Meanwhile...

Naruto sighed as he passed through the forest and tried to resist the urge to run back to the village and hide from the things he set in motion. But he was a man of his word and he knew he was marching towards his own death. He brought his fingers together and summoned a clone for one purpose. To be the messenger to send him off the deep end. He thought he already knew the answer that would be given so he sullenly accepted his fate.

He just barely climbed through the window and had to dodge a kunai aimed straight for his face. "Oh, thank god! It's you Naruto. I was * _just_ * looking for you." Kakashi sighed in angry relief, and Naruto could tell just with a glance that a certain somebody had recently irritated him. He swallowed and hoped his real self would survive the day. "I'm only a clone. He sent me to hear what your answer is." Kakashi growled and turned to his pink haired student.

"Sakura, we are going to find the real Naruto and drag his ass back to village. By sundown tonight, got it? Go on ahead, I'll be right behind you. Oh, and take this." He bit his thumb and slammed it on the top of his desk, summoning Pakkun.

"Do me a favor, help Sakura here track down the scent on this." He reached into his holster and pulled out the envelope, but kept the letter safely hidden. Knowing Sakura she would kill Naruto herself. Said boy had tensed the moment he recognized the paper.

"You got it? Good. I'll see you later then." And with that they were about to leave when Pakkun stopped in his tracks. "Pakkun? Why did you stop, c'mon already let's go!" She said annoyed, putting her hands on her hips.

He curiously glanced over at Naruto and Kakashi. "It's just his clone! So let's go already." Pakkun just huffed and led the way and Kakashi stood to close the door as they left. He turned around and locked the door behind his back with a click and stalked slowly over to his stubborn student. Naruto swallowed as his former teacher glared at him, suddenly boxing him against the desk.

"Kaka--hngh?" Kakashi pressed his entire being flush against him and pressed his hand over his mouth, silencing him. "Quiet. You are going to give Naruto a little message for me. Tell him he can't just send me an ultimatum like this and walk away unscathed. I don't take threats lightly and * _this_ *..."

Kakashi yanked the letter from his kunai holster and slapped the contents against the desk with a resounding thud. "Isn't the way to confess to somebody. If you go through with this, I will have no choice but to hunt you down in hell myself. And we don't want that now do we?" His voice was cold and Naruto feared more than his unspoken threat.

"Turn around and come back to the village, Naruto. Please don't do this again." His voice wavered and Naruto grimaced. He wanted to speak but the pressure on his mouth was iron strong. He wanted to cry at how devastated his sensei looked. "I can't lose you too." His voice was small, and his shoulders shook, but Naruto wasn't actually there to tell him not to worry.

"I...not after everything we've been through. Why can't you see how much the village needs you Naruto."

* _Why can't you see how much I need you..._ *

"Why are you doing this again...why?" His voice was on the brink of breaking. He was clutching desperately at him, wishing it were the real one. "...why?" He was shaking now despite his usual calm and collected demeanor. His hands slipped from their grip on Naruto, he almost crumpled to the ground but strong arms caught him before he could.

"Are you done?" Naruto peered down breathlessly at his former teacher and had to bite his tongue at the sudden tight embrace threatening to break his ribs. He reached behind himself to pick up his carefully written letter and began to read it out loud.

"Rokudaime,

I'm leaving. There are letters adressed to everybody in my apartment, and I have already made up my mind. I will get him back, even if it kills me. He is somewhere out there and only I can find him and bring him home.

I'm sorry. Maybe I can prove to you how much in the afterlife. But for now I don't have the luxury. This is my final goodbye. I love you and I'm sorry for everything."

There were rare tears in Kakashi's eyes, and Naruto wiped at them with the pad of his thumb. He knew it was just about that time for him to dispel, but with the sight in front of him he couldn't bear to. "He's lost to us, Naruto. Why can't you just leave him be...You know he'll destroy you." Kakashi angrily murmured his voice muffled in Naruto's shoulder.

"Sasuke just needs someone to guide him home." Kakashi pinched his eyes together angrily. Such naive thinking. Maybe it would have worked before but after the fight those two had, Sasuke still refused to acknowledge Naruto. If he tried it again it would be suicide. "Please come back." He begged one more time and Naruto gave him a pitiful smile. "You know I can't." At that Kakashi jerked away from him. "You mean you won't. You are such a terrible liar. Why the hell would you write that then if you weren't planning on coming back?"

Naruto frowned at the accusation. "It's not a lie. I've loved you for a long time. But I can't just let him drown in the darkness. You know I won't. I'm sorry but my time is up, Sensei. Your answer?" Kakashi breathed deep through his nose and calmy looked at his student. His precious student risking his very existence just for a shred of hope. "I will give you my answer personally. I will bring down wrath on you Naruto, you better start praying." Kakashi struck out with his purple lightning and dispelled his clone. He had a knucklehead to save.


	2. please don't fear the reaper...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kakashi mobilizes his shinobi. It takes a village to save Naruto. And Kakashi gets a pep talk talk from Gai.

Kakashi waited on the top of the hokage tower with the patience of a long time hunter. He was at war with the feelings causing turmoil inside him. Clashing between eachother, the love and hatred for his longtime student, comrade and dare he say... _friend?_ Though he supposed he'd have to reexamine that dynamic now that Naruto decided to deliver that lovely letter.

He spared no time once Shikamaru made his appearance with almost half the village in tow. Civilians excluded of course. No need to drag the innocent into the fiasco that Naruto left in his wake. Well no time like the present.

"As of this morning, I received a letter stating that Naruto Uzumaki left of his own accord to chase after rogue shinobi, Sasuke Uchiha. In this letter he acknowledged the many life threatening risks, and has decided to ignore them. I want several three-man squads to locate him, stop him at all costs, and bring him home. Shikamaru, I want you to gather a four-man team. I'll need you to look after the village while I'm gone. To answer any of you questioning my motives. I know what I'm doing and I am the only one capable of stopping him if all else fails. We will not lose him. He is our precious hero."

Kakashi turned and left for his apartment to gather any necessary supplies for this mission. He hoped he'd be able to catch him in time. There were doubts. Plenty of them. But if there was one thing he had an abundance of, it was iron solid determination. He stopped to look at Team 7's genin team picture and wondered where he went wrong.

Sasuke, a husk of his former self, who wanted nothing but the agony of those who dared show him any affection. And Naruto who wore his heart on his sleeve and was naïve enough to believe in the most cruel of shinobi. There was no saving Sasuke. Not anymore. He was no longer the avenger of the Uchiha clan. Nor was he the avenger of his beloved brother.

No, he had been twisted, deformed to be more menacing than even Madara. He wanted anarchy, he wanted carnage, he wanted death. And Kakashi feared for the livelihood of Naruto, his pure heart he carried, and the haunting nature that would leave a rift in his soul.

He steeled himself and rendevouzed with the various three-man cells at the gate of the village. Shikamaru caught his attention and he made his way over to go over any details he failed to cover. "So this is really happening huh? So I was thinking...It would be in our best interest to send the other villages a heads up and see if they can't send some reinforcements. The Hidden Sand Village would most likely treat this as an emergency, considering the Fifth Kazekage's relationship with Naruto. I almost want to go on and say the same for the Hidden Cloud Village."

Kakashi nodded in agreement. "I was thinking the same exact thing. Have you chosen your team yet? There are some things I want to discuss with you four. Involving worst case scenarios. We need to have a contingency plan in place just in case things go unexpected." He motioned for them to follow him so they can talk in private. But nosy brats didn't seem to catch the memo. He let them be for now because Konohamaru needed a reality check. As morbid as that is.

"I see, great choices Shikamaru. Alright, Sai, Ino, Choji, this is only a preventative measure for a what if situation alright. If all goes according to plan nothing will happen. I want you to evacuate the entire village. It goes without saying that civilians, women and children are our top priority. If possible I want all capable shinobi to be prepared for an attack at any time. Shikamaru, mention to the other Kage as well that we are prepared for attack from Sasuke and we might need reinforcements for the village as well."

"Should anything happen...I leave the village in your capable hands Shikamaru." Shikamaru grimly nodded and watched Kakashi's back as he turned to address the squads waiting for command from their Hokage. He nodded at Yamato who joined him at his side. "Any tracker shinobi present please utilize whatever means in your ability to track down Naruto. I will be sending one of my ninken with each team. If one of you finds him, I want an immediate response from you. Any questions?" He stood and when nothing came he bit his thumb and summoned his ninken pack.

He was about to take off when a hand grabbed his cloak. He turned and furrowed his brow at the solemn smile gracing his best friend's face. "Gai. I would be more at peace if you stayed in the village. But I know you won't accept it, right." He eyed the wheelchair and just knew he'd never hear the end of Gai's long speech about youth and vitality. Yet Gai surprised him.

"Nope, I just want to see you before you ran off to go save our young Naruto. I've never seen you so thorough with directions, even during the war you didn't seem to be as passionate. Something on your mind, my friend?" As always, Gai seemed to see through the very depths of his heart. "If you must know, Sasuke wasn't the only person Naruto addressed in his letter. He...confessed to me. Gai what am I supposed to do?" Kakashi looked lost when he met Gai's smile.

"How wonderful to have something so beautiful to look forward to when you return. Ah the springtime of youth is very mysterious indeed." Kakashi didn't know what it meant to love somebody. But if he had to choose a word to describe what he felt for Naruto?

He supposed he would have to pick love. For it captured all the nuances of his affection. He attentiveness, his care, his patience. Yet he couldn't fathom for even a moment at present choosing to love someone who would give up his life so easily to a man damned to hatred for the rest of his miserable life.

"Go get him Kakashi!" Gai clapped him on the back and Kakashi allowed himself a small smile despite himself. Gai always seemed to make him feel better, somehow. He nodded and with a swift wave of his hand his shinobi scattered to the wind to find a knucklehead on the path of destruction.  
_____

Naruto's eyes widened and he had to stop to lean against a nearby tree when memories rushed back to him. He winced and then had to hold his breath as sobs forced him to double over. He wasn't expecting this outcome. And for once in his life he thought, perhaps he made an irreversible mistake.


	3. please don't worry about me...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Iruka was left out of the siuation, and Kakashi begs Naruto to come home.

Iruka stood impatiently outside Naruto's door. He had missed their meeting time for lunch at Ichiraku's and it wasn't like him at all. He had knocked on Naruto's door for about ten solid minutes before he had had enough. He went to try the door and to his suprise it had been left unlocked. He could have turned back around and come again another time, but he was worried.

He stepped through the threshold, an eerie silence filled the empty apartment. His footsteps echoed loudly, catching him off guard. Normally they were muffled by the sheer amount of clutter on the ground, yet the floor was immaculate. As if Kakashi had cleaned his apartment. God knows how meticulous the stoic man was. Which left Iruka puzzled when he actually thought about it.

Kakashi must have actually been here. Because there was absolutely no way Naruto could be this clean. Which begged the question. _Why?_

_'And where the hell was Naruto?'_

His answer came in the form of a lone letter sat beckoning him from across the room.. And if he was worried before, now he felt his heart break into irreparable pieces within moments. Naruto always chose the most dangerous paths. And he feared that he wouldn't make it out alive this time.  
_____

Kakashi rushed headlong into the forest, a grim frown set in his features. A brew of tumultuous emotions stirred deep inside him, a threat just a hair's breath away from exploding. He grit his teeth and tried to hone in on the steady chakra of his former student. To pinpoint Naruto's location came easy. Almost _too_ easy. How suspicious.

He found him in a small clearing, but something about Naruto's form made him pause in confusion. As calmly as he could, he landed aggressively on the ground, bracing himself with one hand. He stalked over to the meditating Naruto and was suddenly frozen to the spot when Naruto opened his eyes, the infamous orange and ooblong pupils boring holes into Kakashi...

"I've been waiting for you. Rokudaime, there is no chance of you stopping me at this point. I've surpassed you ages ago." Naruto's voice was devoid of any emotion, cold and hauntingly empty. It was wrong to hear him speak as if he had already lost his life. It pained Kakashi to hear it.

"Naruto, stop this. Let's go home. I'll forgive you for pulling this stunt and we can call it a day." He knew before he even spoke the words, that they had fallen on deaf ears. He sighed heavily and let his arms hang uselessly at his sides. He wanted to avoid this at all costs. His fingers twitched as Naruto spoke.

"Stop what Rokudaime? Stop trying to save my friend? Weren't you the one who taught me never to abandon my friends? Do you want me to break my nindo?" Kakashi cringed inwardly when Naruto refused to call him by his name. His devotion to his ninja way was going to get Naruto killed. At this moment, Kakashi regretted ever teaching him Obito's words. Sasuke was not his friend anymore. He was holding on to a hopeless cause.

"Naruto... _please_!" Kakashi clenched his fingers tightly into fists and took a step forward to reach out to him. His eyes were pleading as well as his voice. Naruto stared blankly at his former sensei and finally when Naruto spoke his name it was as it were painful to speak.

"I think I've told you, _Kakashi-sensei_. I've already made up my mind." Naruto sighed. He had to play the bad guy. He couldn't let his emotions be swayed. If he had any moment of weakness he would come to regret every step he took away from the village. And the love of his life. No, it was best he continued on his quest, if he failed at least he knew he tried everything in his power.

Naruto stood and stared headlong into Kakashi's eyes defiantly, hidden was the love and devotion normally shining through. Instead he looked defeated, yet the stubborn fool stood his ground. "I should get going soon, I don't want keep _him_ waiting."

Kakashi grabbed Naruto's shoulders on instinct at the statement. His voice dropped to a low whisper, intimate, spoken only for Naruto to hear. "Please don't make me do this." Kakashi wanted to scream. He wanted to shake the young man to wake him up to the reality they were living in. It was getting harder and harder to bear watching him live in a fantasy world of his own making.

"You won't be able to stop me. Not in time at least." Those were the last cryptic words Kakashi heard before he was thrown backwards and he hit a tree, shattering it to pieces. He climbed out of the wreckage and ripped his cloak from his body in muted anger. "Maa, it's a real shame you won't listen to reason Naruto. I guess I'll have to drag you back to the village, whether you like it or not." His voice was tight and he had to hold himself together otherwise his trembling would give him away.

"You can go ahead and try but it won't work. _He's_ already on his way." Naruto aimed a Frog Kata at Kakashi when he stepped in front of him to block his path. Kakashi was startled when it made contact with his arms he had braced in front of him just in the nick of time. Naruto was not playing around it seemed and though Kakashi didn't want to harm him in any way, desperate times call for desperate measures. Still, he took a page from Naruto's book and called forth a couple shadow clones to hold him down and had to stifle the irritated growl when Naruto burst into strained laughter.

Kakashi aimed a blow to his stomach and paused when Naruto spoke again. "Do you think you'll ever forgive me? This wasn't how I'd planned on telling you. I wanted to tell you before, its just that...I..." His voice was quiet, trembling towards the end and Kakashi saw orange disappear from his eyes. Kakashi was finally staring into blue eyes, holding captive all his emotions.

"I'll forgive you when you come home. This kind of thing isn't going to end well. Especially with Sasuke at the other side. Just come back home Naruto. Everyone is waiting." Naruto squeezed his eyes shut and sighed before shaking his head. Kakashi bristled and punched Naruto in the stomach.

Only for him to disappear in a cloud of air. This was only a distraction. For the real Naruto to get away. Kakashi punched the ground in frustration until his fist was bloody, cut by sharp rocks in the forest floor. By the end of this journey Kakashi will end up hating the blonde boy. For making him choose between home and love.


	4. please forget about me...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kakashi and Naruto exchange words.

He pushed off of the tree branches at a quick pace, led by a faint trail of pure Naruto. And he caught sight of him in the distance. The same position as before. Meditating for sage mode.

He dropped down and approached the sitting figure before he reached an arm out to grab him by his collar. A hand wrapped tightly around his wrist and sighed.

"Rokudaime. I see you've found me yet again. Unfortunately, my answer is still the same." Kakashi twisted them so that Naruto was face down on the ground, his arm twisted at an odd angle behind him. Kakashi sat down on him, a heavy weight that only reassured the blonde. "You're not going anywhere. The only way to get out of this situation is if you broke your arm. Now let's go home, Naruto." Naruto sighed before he spoke once again.

"I can't go home yet, ya know! I can still save him, I know I can! I just need a little more time!" Kakashi mercilessly tightened his grip on Naruto's arm, causing him to grit his teeth in pain. "Believe in me! Like you used to sensei. I'm not going down without a fight..." Kakashi closed his eyes at the guilt ribboning its way into his heart. He did believe in Naruto. But Sasuke on the other hand..

"Sasuke isn't worth it Naruto! It's not worth risking your life to save someone who won't even take you at face value! Stop this nonsense and come back. Please, why are you doing this! Is...is it because I didn't know? Are you punishing me?" Kakashi wanted to cry. Stubborn Naruto and his stupid ninja way. He should know when to give up.

"Baka-sensei. No I am not punishing you for not being aware of me. I just...how can I call myself a hero, if I can't save those precious to me? Rather than me, you are the hero. In the end you saved Obito, and I want to be just like you." Kakashi pressed a palm against the tears that miraculously appeared. He didn't save Obito. Naruto did. Kakashi was no hero, he just knew the technicalities for the best course of action.

"Sasuke is different now. He is Madara incarnate, and nothing you can do will sway him. He is blind Naruto, to anything and everything good in the world. You can't help him!" Kakashi clenched his fiat and punched the ground precariously close to Naruto's face. Naruto went quiet and raised his fingers numbly to trace to cracked and bleeding knuckles of Kakashi's fist. "I can and I will." Naruto voice was unwavering and Kakashi lashed out with a sharp bolt of chakra, dispelling the clone underneath him.

Silence filled the deafening ambience of the deathly still forest. Kakashi weighed his options. Cut his losses and return home. * _Or_ *...bring back the body of a stubborn fool. Kakashi wasn't a renowned shinobi for nothing. He could make the impossible, possible in the blink of an eye. It was time, he decided. To hunt down this stupid boy, with his delusions of a grand utopia.  
_____

Kakashi had dispelled over twenty shadow clones. Just when he thought the one he found was the real Naruto, Naruto selfishly riled him up and Kakashi would lash out. There was a permanent hole where his self control was now, anger and frustration left in its wake.

He was flying through the forest now, feet cracking against tree limbs. His body enveloped in a layer of purple chakra and Kakashi was livid. He paused when he saw the familiar crown of blonde hair below him and scowled before he dropped down and punched Naruto straight through his head. A cloud of smoke billowed around him and he clicked his tongue in pure anger. "Where's the real you, Naruto?!"

He was going around blind, ignoring everything that wasn't Naruto. Moving solely by the scent of his path. His rage simmered to a low and he surveyed the area for any hidden signs that would bring him closer to his runaway student. There! In a tree to the left was a kunai, a note tied to it. Kakashi clenched his jaw before wrenching the note open and feeling sick to his stomach at the contents.

"Kakashi,

Please give up. I am not worth the risk. I think we both know how this will end, and I can't bring myself to fight you. If I can't change your mind, I ask you this one favor. If I could die by your hand, I think I deserve at least that.

Again. I'm so sorry.

Love, Naruto."

Kakashi felt all the anger and frustration surge into levels only an Uchiha could comprehend. Naruto sure had quite the nerve asking him to...He couldn't even finish that thought. Who in their right mind would ask this of somebody they claimed they loved. No, Naruto was selfish, and a damned fool with a deathwish. He prayed he would make it in time. His venomous rage whipped around him like a shroud and he stalked through the forest on a mission.

Kakashi roared, the precipice of the battle turning the gears inside his mind. If it was war Naruto wanted, Kakashi was going to bring armeggedon.  
_____

Naruto winced as another set of memories surfaced. An alarming pattern was happening and Naruto couldn't believe what he was seeing. He had never seen Kakashi-sensei like this before. It was like he awakened an ancient being, much like Kurama. A being so full of hurt and pain that anything and everyone was at risk. And Naruto was the cause of it. He cried, ugly and wet, his chest tight with panic. Oh god. What has he done?


End file.
